At this point in time, according to reported assault data in the world, a woman violently assaults a man’s testicles every 9 seconds. But a conservative estimate puts testicle abuse cases going unreported at 46%. So the number could be closer to one every 5 seconds. Every 5 seconds somewhere in the world, a [probably] stupid boy is getting an edutainment on what real pain is all about. Every 5 seconds a lovely lady is sending a man on an all-expenses-paid ball-cation to his own testicle-pain Elysium. Every 5 seconds a man’s facial expression goes from cocky, happy, gently aroused, to in this order, shocked, confused, scared, then suddenly twisted in purest agony all in one second, much to the amusement of his ball-cation planner, some classy lady somewhere. Every minute that passes, approximately 20 men have lost the mental battle they were waging in an effort to remain standing, their legs, no longer working, as they either slink or crumple straight to the ground. 

That’s a lot of aching balls! If only it were all filmed, you could have a 24/7 TV channel starring all day and night ballbusting news. There could be awards to the woman who dished out the most worthy ball-cation! What an honour! (Hmm I’m having a real conundrum on whether the guys should win awards too…)

Anyway, ballbusting – it happens a lot, and there are many weird and eccentric ways to cause complete and total loss of male body autonomy. 

I’ve seen a woman (me) force boys up onto a handicap guardrail and deliberately ball-smash them, I’ve seen cattle prods to the testicles (me again), I’ve seen testicle tug-of-war, and a boy getting pulled around a pool by his bound testicles at a pool party, but let’s be honest, really, the best ways are the most classic. So, let’s take a look at the easiest, simplest, and most common ways to send a boy’s precious manhood driving at speed straight into his unforgiving pelvic cul-de-sac.   

But before we continue, you must punch yourself in the balls! Go on, really. Do it hard. I need you to remember what real pain is like so we can be friends as I tell you all about the four best ways to end your family line. Do it really hard. I’ll wait… and no I don’t give a fuck about your whiny reasons about why you can’t do it to yourself. You have fists, don’t you? You better not pussy out on Stacy  (-_-) 

THE BALL KICK:

Obviously, this is a stone-cold classic that all girls everywhere learn at an early age. It’s usually on the playground that we first see, in real life, the power of a straightforward punt to the goolies. But long before that, us girls are inculcated with a healthy exposure to ball-kicks, since the kick-based testicle assault permeates our entertainment culture in almost every media genre, television, film, comic books, basically any visual media, though especially daytime soaps. Just do a youtube search or go on TikTok for 1 minute. All over the world, Asia, India, Europe, South America, and the USA, popular culture of all sorts are full of boys being dropped by sassy “cool” ladies. These images are not lost on today’s impressionable girls. We take note. Even before we’ve seen it in person we’ve probably witnessed a hundred examples of a woman taking down some cocksure boy, and with no ramifications for the lady, which is great! For her (and the rest of us) haha!

The ball-kick is a wonderful move because of the mixture of speed and power. 

One thing that causes variations in effectiveness from one kick to another kick, is the footwear. A sexy girl slamming her foot at maximum speed into your stupid balls will feel a certain way if she’s wearing flat glossy red leather ballet shoes, and a very different way if she’s wearing heavy chunky platform knee-high boots covered in gothic steel buckles. Both will be completely incapacitating, of course, leaving you on the floor puking and crying, but nuanced in lovely different ways. I know because I’ve done it. 

There’s something a bit more intimate about kicking a boy with your feet just barely covered in nice leather moccasin shoes, or even while just wearing some cute socks (for all those foot fetishists). This way I can feel the warm weight of your silky balls kissing my unyielding bony metatarsals, instantly picking up speed and compressing on their journey hopefully straight into your pubic symphysis, the sensitive cartilage at the centre of your pubic bone. 

If I kick the exact same balls into the exact same pubic symphysis while wearing my buckled goth boots, I can barely feel your balls connecting to my foot. But your worthless testicles can feel it! They’ll be left with a red or bruised imprint of my chunky metal buckles. Maybe it will even break your stupid stretchy saggy ball-skin! LOL and if you’re really lucky it could even puncture your fibrous testicle wall and all that pink goo will come spurting out in a fun and worthwhile ball rupture. Squish! All it takes is some extreme localized pressure and your ball gives up the ghost with a squelchy pop, just like you hear in my rupture demonstration video. Don’t take my word for it, go and have a listen!

It’s hard to overstate how great an unbridled nut kick is for the kicker. For the simple boy, it’s just humiliating. I suppose it does have it’s downsides though. You have to be practised, because boys get very good from a young age, at dodging dick-kicks and guarding their goolies. So often a nice lady will end up kicking a shin, a thigh, or a butt-cheek, and that makes everyone sad. In many ways, this is why surprise groin kicks are a wonderful, funny, and effective classic! But like I said, it can be difficult for an untrained lady to deliver a 100% ball killing blow. They also can be clunky and require a bit of room to execute properly. So, in close quarters they might not be the most effective. They can also be slow to perform unless she’s a trained martial artist, a lady tends to telegraph her kicks, as most of them require a windup, some arm flailing, and counterbalance measures if she’s wearing sexy heels. 

A good family-jewels field goal just isn’t perfectly deliverable every single time, so if you see one, applaud the lady, maybe even tip her. At any rate, the difficulty is why, ladies and gentlemen, there are other wonderful ways to send the lad down to ball-Hades.

THE BALL PUNCH:

It’s FAST. That’s the name of the game here. Yes, it makes sense that it’s fast, but no, really, it’s actually fast. I can punch you super DUPER hard straight in your stupid dangling balls 5 times in one second! I timed it. I actually did a whole blog about it last week. It’s such a fun ballbusting manoeuvre that many of my videos include ball punches, one even specializes in it, my ballboxing video.  

It’s fun and effective because girls can punch a set of testicles whenever the thought occurs to them, from nearly any angle, accurately and hard. I can’t tell you how many times it’s just been me and an innocent boy, lounging on a couch or bed somewhere, perhaps at my uni dorm, perhaps at a friend’s sleepover, or even when out and about in public when suddenly WHAM!!! It’s punch time! The boys whole world has suddenly ended at the end of a blackhole fist. Spaghettified into the eternity of seemingly never-ending ball-ache as we both start crying, me with laughter, you from pain, from humiliation, and also as part of the autonomic testicle-pain response. LOL.

Now that I know so much about balls, being a pro and all, I can tell you what’s really going on when I fist-attack your cojones. Though there are exceptions, a lot of opportunistic punch attacks come from straight forward rather than from under the testes (unlike a kick). Oftentimes the punch will actually strike into and through the typically soft penis. This means that apart from being super fast, the punch oftentimes lands precisely on the relatively sensitive front end of the testicles. Of course, testicles are sensitive all over, but when you’ve sexually assaulted hundreds of males, you learn that some parts are exceptionally sensitive hehe. 

(For just a quick bash, from the most sensitive to the least sensitive areas are: 1) the rear bits with all the tubes and shit coming out, 2) the fronts, where they kind of come to an ovular point and all the pain gets transmitted throughout the rest of the balls like snap 3) the inside edge, where they can slam into each other, 4) the outside edge, which is great for just jamming your thumbnail into in the hopes that it goes pop.)

Now you are very well informed about your ball anatomy, consider your balls womensplained! Before moving on, in honour of the royale Ball Punch, give yourself a quick FLICK in the nuts. Hard but fast. Since we didn’t really include the flick, but it’s really important. FLICK YOUR NUTS boy! 5 times!

THE KNEE

A ladies knee to the balls has devastating power. People familiar with fighting games can appreciate that a lot of today’s blog translates pretty well into Mortal Kombat fighting mechanics. Things like, the punch is fast but not as powerful as the kick, which is slower, but for up close and personal, you can’t beat the knee for power. 

A friendly lady can get real close to a ballpervert and deliver the most delicious testicle knee, so full of power and flavour that the boy instantly loses his lunch. It’s the one-hit ball-puke inducer. A meaningful knee sends extreme trauma waves rippling through the boy’s body. Once started they cannot be stopped until the agony tsunami has run its course. Again, usually accompanied by the silvery tinkle of bright female laughter. 

(Storytime: I once had a guy for a 30-minute session say he wanted to try a knee first of all. I said, “well okay then” and got real close, held his shoulders and delivered a strong knee to his balls, he recoiled instantly and fell to his knees. Then he stumbled up and hurriedly walked away from me like a fearful animal. I asked him “yeah? did I get them?”

He answered “Jesus you got both of them, they both got pushed up there” and pointed to his man-groin bits where the balls can get pushed into. I just laughed and clapped with excitement but then he said he had enough as he felt sick and got scared, so he cut the session way, way, wayyyy short. I was surprised and tried to lure him into receiving more ball-abuse but he wasn’t having any of it. Oh well!)

A good way to knee a boy is to grab onto his shoulders, this allows the lady to not only hop knee first straight into his bollocks without falling over, but it also encourages the ever-important power follow-through. Really instead of aiming for his balls, you need to aim THROUGH his balls into his belly button. Also, the shoulder holding thing is to avoid you two from bashing into each other’s heads, because the guy is going to bend or fall down whether he plans to or not.

One amusing side benefit of this is the closeness and the touchy-feeliness of the act means that he doesn’t usually fall completely down in a straight slump like with a kick, but more slithers and slides down the lady’s body, oftentimes attempting to keep himself upright by clinging onto her clothing or shoulders or what-have-you. However since it’s not really his balance that’s the problem, but the sudden total weakness in his leg muscles, he’s going to end up on the floor and my advice to the woman is to place your palm on his forehead and gently but firmly push him to the floor, where he belongs, and where he can take all the proper time he needs to recover from his newfound ball-sickness. LOL.

Another amusing side-benefit of the closeness is that you can really look into his eyes as well as see his facial expression, to witness the different subtle shades of horror and pain as they dawn into realization on his face. His facial expressions in just one second run nearly the entire gamut of negative human emotions. The first .2 seconds is surprised, followed instantly by .2 seconds of disbelief, then .3 seconds of horror, .2 seconds of confusion which I like to call the ‘Why would you, a nice lady, do this to me and my family? Are we not both decent human beings?’ expression, followed lastly by the dawn of true pain, which extends from the end of the first second into roughly the next half hour till 2 weeks, depending on the severity of the knee. Of course, knees can be so powerful they can also cause testicle explosion. 

TESTICLE SQUEEZE

No testicle abuse blog would be complete without the inclusion of the mighty ball squeeze! Try it now, grab both of your balls. Now imagine an angry girl has cornered you in a dark alley, perhaps a (crazy) ex-girlfriend, or an angry step-sister, or perhaps a tearaway teenage runaway who wants your wallet, basically anyone who doesn’t care about the sanctity of your stupid gonads. 

Now, squeeze them softly just until they start to hurt. Now, pretend your hand belongs to someone else and squeeze them like you don’t care whose balls they are! Go on you dirty pervert! Squeeze the life out of them for 5 seconds! Do it or we can’t really be on the same page about ball squeezing now, can we?!

How was that for you? Did you imagine you were stuck in one of my ball vices like this (un)lucky guy? Imagine the strength of full power, full force merciless squeezing, going on for more than 20 interminable minutes. 

The ball-squeeze might be my favourite because of the varying force you can apply, such a wide range, from gentle wakey-wakey eggs ‘n bakey… to, say, goodnight to your bloodline, anguish filled testicle rupture, as seen in Squeeze Me. 

In the last 10 years, more men have died from testicle squeezing than from any other testicle abuse scenario (as I discovered during the writing of my second book, here is my first book, which you should read beforehand btw.) Although in all the news reports, the ball-squeezings occurred during a fight, not during a friendly ballbusting session. And the men were all older gentlemen with heart problems. Honestly, this seems like a problem for you boys, not only are your testicles a handy reset-switch but when it comes to some nice, ladylike angry ball squeezing, they’re a full-on power-off button. (Power off as in R.I.P.)

It reminds me of the account of a woman in Haikou, China, when after an argument over a parking space a woman who I guess hadn’t had her morning coffee yet “latched onto the man’s testicles and screamed ‘I’ll squeeze them to death! You’ll never have children!'”. The man died. So, I hope you weren’t wanking, you awful/cute ball pervert. 

But when testicle squeezing isn’t killing you, it’s easily the most sensual methods of ball-destruction. You can really gauge the effect tiny fluctuations in hand tightness and pressure have on the physiological and psychological well being of your captive boi. Plus it’s the best way to get those really funny high pitched squeaks out of a man, as they desperately cling to you and say things like, “No, don’t, please stop!” and, “My nuts! No please you’re killing them!” Unlike kicking or punching which starts and ends in an instant, squeezing can really extend this lovely moment indefinitely, causing your muscles all over your body to seize up, wracking your body with bizarre and amusing cramps, and causing weird spasms. 

Ball squeezing is also the most common way to get your ungodly bodily fluids to involuntarily spurt out your babymakers. Just squeeze them harder than you ever have in your life and lo and behold. A tiny drop of ejaculate has appeared at the tip of your unwilling cock. Wanna see more? Just squeeze about 10 times harder! 

While the mechanisms at play behind this fascinating display are a tad mysterious, nonetheless if you want to see a full-fledged cum spasm, not accompanied by any kind of physical pleasure and more akin to a full-on ball-rape, just go and back a small car like a Toyota Yaris or an old VW Beetle over a pair of immobilized testicles and you’ll see some major jizz spurting fireworks! It’s totally worth it just to say that you’ve seen as much. If he’s gonna splooge, it might as well be involuntary and extremely painful. Cumspurting can also be attained from ball kicks, but that’s mentioned on another blog post!

Yes, I believe, squeezing is my favourite so far. It’s a Stacy classic. 

*Most of these featured pictures are by Space-Jin by the way, a terrific tamakeri (Japanese ballbusting) artist, who seems to know as much as anyone, about how balls go crunch!